Letter to My Past Self

Dear Akanke,

What's up girl? Go head! You made it! I know it was a hard road, but it's 2009, you're 25 and overall pretty happy. You have some great friends and you've had to let a couple go over the years. I know you were in some situations back then and you wondered if you'd ever see the light at the end of the tunnel.

 

Well, believe it or not, you and "john" have finally completely ended that fiasco. I know I'm shocked too. I know you didn't think you'd ever be able to let him, but you did. He's doing well. I still talk to him from time to time. He's happily married and has a beautiful son. You'd be happy for him. Oh, I forgot his birthday for the fist time in like 7 years! Can you believe it? And yes, I'm cool with "Tina" again. It'll never be the same but it took sometime for me to realize that the anger wasn't worth holding on to. You know you were pretty young and dumb back then.

 

I know the biggest shocker is that you made it to this day without Osakwe's physical presence. I know I'm shocked as well. Believe it not it did get a little bit easier. You know that constant pain in your chest? It goes away. Those tears ever morning stopped. But the "MOMENTS"!…LOL. Whew, I can't say they completely went away because sometimes it does still get hard to breathe. But, they aren't coming as often as before.

 

You finally had to let her go. I know you know who I'm talking about. It got too hard girl. I could no longer justify her presence in my life. Yes, I love her to this day but I just couldn't take it anymore. Maybe once she's done some growing we'll reconnect. I hear she's doing well.

 

Man! Can you believe that after all you went through with "john" I go and do the same thing with someone else? Girl, they reminded me so much of each other I almost called him by "john's" name on a few occasions. I saw all the warning signs, but just like how you were with "john", I thought I loved him and I thought putting up with it all was worth having him in my life. You know how you were; the lil piece of good was worth enduring all the bad…NOT! It ended the same way…baby, wife and all. Go figure. I know you probably thought I wouldn't put myself through that after what you went through but I did, and not just once. I did it one more time but it wasn't nearly as intense. There was no real love, just some emotions and feelings and mine got hurt. That's over now too.

 

So, at this point, I'm working on me. I know you had so many goals that I have not been working on. I'm planning the mentorship program idea you had. It's shaping up though I think it's more work than you thought it would be. LOL. I'm going to stick with it because after we've done to ourselves and allowed others to do, we deserve to be happy. We both have always settled for having a little bit of happiness when it comes to men. But then in the end, the pain and sadness heavily outweighed the happiness. I'm still learning lessons you didn't quite get. I don't like making the same mistakes over and over so I'm working really hard now so that when my next self writes to me, she won't have stories to tell of broken hearts, misplaced love, or wasted time. I'm focusing on finding the happiness somewhere more stable…in me.

Peace girl!

 

The third time is not charming!!

I’ve reached the end again. Can you believe I actually shed a tear Saturday behind a man?! I kept crying because I was mad at the fact that I was crying. What the hell!!! I really don’t even want to go into what exactly made me cry. It was just a combination of someone showing no regard for my feelings and me putting myself in the situation to get them hurt. I don’t like what I think I have become in his eyes and that disappoints me. Not that he views me that way, but that I am viewed that way at all. Anyhow, my friends I am done. And for real this time. I know that part of the problem is that I tried to convince myself that I really didn’t like him that much and that all the other chicks didn’t bother me. But who in their right mind would actually be cool with that situation? Actually we had a talk about feelings and he claimed he’d never hurt mine. I thought it was stupid to make such a promise anyway. I really don’t have the words to say to even fully articulate how I feel. I actually shed a tear today. And I want to stress that I am not in a sense crying over him it’s the situation. I cry because of me. I cry because I’m always in a position to get my feelings hurt. I remember when I told my cousin about a situation I was in that reminded me exactly of another I had been in. She told, “It’s going to happen again.” She said I had to go through it at least three times to really learn the lesson because I was still not fully understanding the lessons I needed to this second time. So dumb ass me…what do I go and do?? The same damn thing! I’m trying to learn my lessons… I think I got it. I don’t wanna go through this ever again. I refuse to secretly date another man while he publicly spreads his love!…Like I ain’t shit when the truth of the matter is … He ain’t shit!!!!!!!! Two of my best male friends that I talk to on a regular basis are always telling me positive things about myself and how I am so beyond the men I fool with. They can say some great things about me and I just don’t understand how my friends can see it, and they are men, but these men can’t. I hate that I’ve let myself get treated this way. OK! I’m done rambling.
I love me, I love me…
** Almost forgot... During my tears my friend asked me, "What's your name?" Y'all know I'm the chick with many names so I wasn't sure where he was going LOL. J/K..... I said, "Akanke" and he then says, "And what does your name mean?".....TO MEET HER IS TO LOVE HER!.... My friends said, "So, fuck him, you're a Queen!!!

I know these things! Why don't I act like it?


Amy Winehouse - Tears Dry On Their Own
This song is about me

Don't Bang the Gavel!!

Why do we always sit in judgment of each other? I have noticed that so many of my friends, me included, are constantly judging one another when all of us could use help in the decision making department. Then, we try to pretend life we're not being judgmental, but when you have something to say about the way someone lives their life, you're overly critical about it and offer no solution to any of their problems….YOU ARE JUDGING!! If you have to start your statement off with, "I'm not trying to be judgmental or anything but…" you're just trying to convince yourself that what you're about to say is ok. When you find yourself with your back up against the wall, the last thing you want to hear from a friend is, I told you you didn't need those shoes, I told you you shouldn't have gone out that night, I told you… Nor do you need to be telling anyone else that about your friend. Honestly, I know I can make some extremely dumb decisions and I can plainly see the dumb ones my friends make. I think it would be more beneficial if we step in as friends a lot sooner than we do. We participate in our friends' irresponsible decision making and then when it leads to where we both knew it would lead, we start judging. But if you don't participate, you take your stance there. Don't go out with your friend if you know she needs to be putting her money to more important use or just needs to be at home. Don't get high with your friend if you know she is pregnant. That way you don't have to sit in judgment of them once the situation has gotten out of hand. That is something I can not stand. I once had a friend (and I mean ONCE) to call me saying she was concerned that another one of our friends was smoking too much. So I asked, who is she smoking with? Who's buying? Because I know her and she's not smoking by herself and she does not know where to buy it. My friend told me that she and some other folk I know smoke with her. I couldn't understand how you can have a concern like that and keep participating in it. If you think she smokes too much, stop smoking with her! How can you judge some one for doing what you're doing? And if you're going to participate, shut the hell up! But if you are concerned, offer solutions not judgments.  

That brings me to another point. I think we judge out of genuine concern. We don't like to see each other is messed up situations and it is so much easier to see the flaws in others. And many things that are "wrong" with our friends are "wrong" in our situations too. We can point the finger at others because it is so much easier than looking in the mirror. But if you're going to be concerned about your friend's situation, come with a solution or shut up! If I can't pay my car note, either give me $400, point me in the direction of $400, help me come up with $400 or keep your mouth closed! I don't wanna hear about the shopping spree I went on, the good time I had last Friday or my new cell phone. LOL. Hell, you were right there with me telling me how cute my outfit was, drinking up the shots I was buying! So why you talking about it now! LOL. (That's just for comedy's sake) We all have to take responsibility for our own poor decision making…but pah-lease, offer solutions, not judgments!

A lot of the things we say about each other are true; yea, I didn't need that purse, yea, I didn't have to buy everybody a shot, yea, I really do need to leave him alone. BUT the same can be said about all of us at some point in our lives.

Right now in life I am being… dare I say it… judgmental of a friend. Yep! I don't like the situation she's in one bit. I have taken the necessary steps I've discussed. Though I did point out that what she was doing was stupid (probably shouldn't have) I offered a solution…move on! When she chose not to listen, I removed myself. I have nothing good to say and anything I say will be judgmental. And at the same time I'm in a crazy place I have no intention of walking away from. I don't want to be judged, well I really don't care, so I don't talk to my friends about it. Is that a good way to handle it? LOL

**Side bar – I was talking to my sister about the previous situation and she brought out a good point. It says a lot that when your friend tells you how what you're doing is making you look and how it is making he/she feel and you still make no changes. One if the reasons we have friends in our lives is keep us grounded. You can tell your friend, "seeing you hurting yourself is hurting me." That's honest and if you don't respect my honesty enough to make a change…I have to.

 

In conclusion, the line between being helpful and judgmental is very thin. But for clarification's sake…if you're saying it to someone other than the person you are discussing, you are judging.  We all do, will always do it; I just wanted to write about it!

***A major advantage of age is learning to accept people without passing judgment. ~~Liz Carpenter***

No Place Like Home

Is this blogging thing supposed to be daily? I could definitely blog more often than that. I was out to eat with a friend last night, CINCO DE MAYO!!! (LOL, none of my friends cared but me :-) Anywho… we were having a convo about someone I know and I went on to talk about how the person was no longer allowed to cross the threshold of my home. I remember telling another friend about it and she laaaaughed. She thought I was doing that to be spiteful or something. But in all honesty it was the opposite. I did it to be happy. The first time I made that decision was when I lived in Atlanta. A friend of mine… or so I thought, tried to  break in my home and I was sitting on the couch. It scared me shitless! I was relieved that it was someone I knew and he didn't have a weapon. But I was soooooo pissed, shocked, amazed and speechless. He'd previously called me like 3 times on my house phone. I didn't feel like being bothered so I didn't answer. Then an hour or so later, I hear voices at my door, my knob juggling. I went to look out my side window (I think I had a hammer in my hand!) I saw that fool & a friend of his, opened my door and asked him what the hell he was doing! He put something in his pocket right quick and said that he was just about to knock on my door. We went back of forth, on and on. I had my locks change and he became the first to not be allowed to enter my home and for good reason. My friends tried to convince me to change my mind. I was supposed to just accept the fact that he was a thief….nope!

Another one was so hard to let go. I have a friend that has a problem with stealing. I mean EVERY TIME this person would cross the threshold something was coming up missing; and I am not the only one. It has happened so much that people I know have just accepted that. The straw that broke the camel's back is that the last time this person was in my home my last….I mean 10 1 dollar bills disappeared from my wallet. I just couldn't do it anymore. When I made the decision I had no solid proof my friend had been the culprit and honestly I didn't care. The fact that this person came to mind every time something was missing is a problem in and of itself. So bye bye baby.

The other two people who can not cross my threshold have broken my heart and have caused me to shed tears. They have disturbed my peace at some point in my life and have hurt me. Though they are in my life and truly still love them both. I must have peace in my home.

So, there are my reasons. Your home should be a place of peace & happiness. If someone has ever been in my home and caused me unhappiness, they needn't return. If I cannot leave a room in my house and everything not still be there, that is a problem. If a FRIEND tries to break into my home I will never ever ever ever invite them back in. If someone causes me to ball up on the floor crying hysterically, listening to Donny Hathaway "Giving Up" they can no longer enter. LOL. I can not be responsible for everything I come into contact with on a daily basis, but at home I can be at peace.

 

**Home is the place where it feels right to walk around without shoes ~ Unknown**

Save the Babies!

I had a really interesting conversation with my cousin yesterday. She
was very hurt and disappointed because she found out that her 10 year
old son had stolen over a hundred dollars from her and lied about it
for weeks. He was selling candy for his school (she had been helping
too as you know parents do at work all the time). When they were
finish selling the candy, she put the money in her trunk until it was
time to turn it in. When she went to get the money, it said, "Find
me!" She tore everything up & asked her son numerous times if he had
the money or had seen it and of course he said no. She thought she
must have lost it somehow and come out of her pocket to pay his school
the money for the candy.

Meanwhile, my little cousin is going through this phase of "buying
friends." He's spending most of his allowance on other children. My
cousin decided to nip it in the bud. When he got in the car on a
Monday and had no more money left from his weekly allowance, she told
him he wasn't getting anymore. Somehow though he was still buying
snacks. blah blah blah... He confessed. He was buying things for
friends and giving them money. My cousin was saying that she wasn't
mad, she was hurt. She couldn't believe that out of all the things to
do, her own son had stolen from her. She said that she has always
trusted her son. He cleans her car out regularly and she has other
things in her car that she has never worried about him disturbing. She
was hurt that she no longer trusts to leave her things like her purse
around her son. She talked about how if you will steal, especially
from your mother, how far will you go at 10?

So, she called me to get my opinion on his punishment. She of course
tore his behind up! Then she told him that he would have to repay her;
not only for the money he stole, but for other things she had
purchased for him since..i.e. video games. He will not get an
allowance until she is repaid. She made him aware of the fact that he
had lost her trust and that he would have to earn it back. Her mother
called her to fuss at her because of it. She told her she should have
not giving him a spanking and that he should not have to repay her at
all. Get this.... her mother said that it's my cousin's fault for
putting him a Black school! He's learning all that bad behavior
at...Kipp Academy??? NOT. My cousin said that she tried to go that
route with her son but he is a very active (she says bad) Black boy.
When he was at a predominately white school they tried to give him
every diagnosis under the sun and were on the way to medications when
she decided he needed a more structured and strict environment. I told
her Kipp is definitely not to blame. He'll really get suckered
elsewhere.

My cousin is also wondering if her son in acting out because his
father is not in his life. Should she be more lenient or understanding
of that? I told her, understanding, yes…lenient, Hell NO! He's going
to have to deal with not having his father in his life for the rest of
his life & he's going to have to understand that bad behavior is
unacceptable. If she sweeps it under the rug this time he will
continue and escalate and keep blaming it on his dad. He has a mother
& a step father, family and all his needs are being met. Yes, it's sad
not to have your father around (believe me, I know) But some people
have a lot less. Life must go on.

My cousin asked me if I thought her punishments were too harsh. I told
her that a thief needs to be punished; and it's better that you do it
at home now than have the penile system do it later. I may be wrong,
but I think he needs to really be punished so that he will never do
that again. A thief is the worse. If you steal, you will lie, cheat
and whatever else. I don't want him to be traumatized but I don't want
him to ever forget.

--
***People grow through experience if they meet life honestly and
courageously. This is how character is built. ~Eleanor Roosevelt***

Sunni P

Who is the other gorgeous African Queen pictured with me?? One of my living idols…None other than Sunni Patterson



 
Her bio:
 
More than a poet, more than a singer, more than an emcee--it's not just what she says, it's how she says it. Emerging from the musical womb that is New Orleans, artist and visionary Sunni Patterson combines the heritage and tradition of her Native town with an enlightened modern world view to create music and poetry that is timeless in its groove.

Sunni has been a featured performer at the many of Nation's premier spoken word venues, including HBO's Def Poetry Jam. She has also had the priviledge of speaking at the Panafest in Ghana, West Africa. She has worked with several well known artists and performers including Hannibal Lokumbe- singing lead vocals for his score,"King and the Cresent City Moon," Kalamu Ya Salaam, Sonia Sanchez, Wanda Coleman, Amiri Baraka, Laini Kuumba Afrikan Dance Company, and many more.

An Aborisha (Omo Oshun) and advocate of Holistic Health, Sunni has trained under such greats as Oluwo Afolabi Epega, Dr. Ndugu Khan (Babalawo Ifa Kayode,) Queen Malikah Sabah (Iyanifa Faadisi Olaolu Olabisi,) Dr.Morris F.X.Jeff,Jr., Nana Anoa Nantambo, Mama Jean Taiwo, Nana Kwabena Faheem Ashanti, Ph.D, and several others. She is a certified instructor of Chi Kung (Qi Gong) and Tai Chi for Health.

There is so much more to say about her, but words just cannot describe her way, her Spirit, her grace, or gift of healing. In every word/sound she utters, you hear the grit and grime, hope and love, problem and solution, optimism and faith. She is a mouth piece for the Ancestors, a vessel used to promote goodness in a world where oppression and injustice seems the order of the day. What a blessing it is to feel her warm and nourishing rays shine light on your soul!  

If you don’t you need to find out. Her words cross my mind daily. If you have even seen this sister I know you were truly blessed. She has a beautiful mind and an amazing spirit.

I Miss My Brother!

I miss Osakwe. I am still surprised made it this far in life without his physical presence. When he was murdered a huge part of me died with him. I couldn’t brush my teeth in the morning without breaking down into tears. I couldn’t have imagined a day would go by that tears didn’t well up in my eyes or breathing become difficult. I know that GOD makes no mistakes but I still battle with this. Osakwe was a promising young man who had so much to offer the world. He was loved by so many yet snatch from this earth in such a horrible way. I am thankful that I was raised to believe in GOD…Know GOD. Because there is no way I would have been able to endure this without a relationship with a higher power.
I’ve always taken solace in the fact that we always made it clear how much we appreciated each other. I believe he did that with everyone. It was so hard to go from talking to someone daily to never again. Every time something goes on in my life one is my first thoughts is how I wish I could call my brother.
He’s my angel now. I feel his presence & I am thankful for that. I am so grateful for the relationship we shared. He taught me things I will forever remember. He gave me so many laughs that warm my heart and give me comfort.

I Need Help!!

I put up with an insane amount of bull. INSANE. To the point that a friend recently asked me how I did it because in her words, “You a better one than me.’ But not really. I’m a crazier one. I think I’m crazy. For real, for real. Someone should maybe study my brain. Something could bother me for years and I never say anything! What’s up with that? Something is bothering me right now and I just can’t bring myself to say a damn thing to the person. Well, I’m not completely in the dark about why. I just had a conversation with my cousin and in it I realized that if I decided to have the conversation with this certain someone I would have to make the changes because I know he won’t change a thing. She said that I should at least express what’s going on in my mind. I say, what’s the use? But in the meantime I continue to put up with the bull. Hell, I invite it on in.
I just recently was able to emotionally separate from someone. And it was so hard. I mean after just a year, I’m shedding tears, thinking about how to f* his shit up… I felt so close to him and I could not fathom what was happening. I had put up with playing 2nd string (3rd and 4th) and I was having a hard time being kicked off the team (that’s crazy, right?) Again, I put up with an insane amount of crap. But what upset me about this situation is that he had the nerve to tell me! I mean he basically told me what I did wrong and how he was able to use me. Of course, he didn’t mean it that way (yeah ok). I was pissed and sooo hurt but I’ve moved on. We’re cool again but I had to be mad for a while. I realized how we as women have to take responsibility for the situations we put ourselves in. I don’t completely blame the men who have hurt me. I place a lot of the blame on myself for letting it happen. I can not say I didn’t see all the warning signs that it would eventually lead up to me being hurt once again. So again, I need someone to analyze me to help me to understand why. Then, I never make clean breaks. Every man that’s ever hurt me (well, it’s not many) is still in my life to some extent. My rationale is that there was something I liked about him that allowed me to develop the feelings I had so what’s wrong with it?
I make some of the most idiotic decisions. But what’s crazy is that for most of my life I have been the advice giver to my friends. Folks have always called me or pulled me to the side to talk about some situation they’re in or problem they’re having. I never understood why. I have not had too much success in the relationship department; mainly because I’m crazy and make idiotic decisions. Granted I am pretty good and helping someone to go in the right direction. Perhaps, I know the way to go but I like to take the hard path so I am able to tell people what not to do. Or perhaps they listen to me and do the opposite. Who knows?

**You have to do your own growing, no matter how tall you grandfather was. ~Irish Saying**

Stillettos Pumps in the Club! Why?

Let me first start by saying, I HAD A GREAT TIME LAST NIGHT!!!! Started and ended the night with the usual. If you know me, you know where that is :-). Went out with my beautiful cousin to Signature Lounge and had a blast. There was a drummer playing with the DJ. Apparently this is not a new concept but I've never seen it. It was awesome. You know we African people love rhythm! I really had so much fun...But my damn feet!!!! My feet were crying for real. I had on a cute outfit if I do say so myself. And I was wearing these Baby Phat pumps I got as a steal from Macy's some months back. They are BAD! But where did this whole high heeled shoe concept come from? Why do we as women feel it's even necessary? The ish is extremely painful. I don't wear heel that often for that reason. But sometimes you just don't seemed dressed up enough if you don't have them on. I use to wear heels all the time in high school. I had a problem being short so I use to want to appear taller. Whatever! Now that I'm confident in who I am, I don't feel the need to put myself through that. But those shoes I wore last night are so cute. But why?? I see women out all the time walking like their feet hurt. Or if they have been doing it for years they can be in as much pain as I was in and walk around like it's nothing.
Ladies, it's so unhealthy...bad for your back, knees, feet and I'm sure other parts of your body. Why do we do it to ourselves? Why is having your heels 2 to 3 inches from the ground sexy? My feet are still freaking hurting. I say this but guess what... I have a pair I gotta wear tonight. They match my dress so well :-) I'm keeping some flats in my purse though.
Come see me at LIBRA!!!! I'll be fly and probably sitting down :-)