Why do we always sit in judgment of each other? I have noticed that so many of my friends, me included, are constantly judging one another when all of us could use help in the decision making department. Then, we try to pretend life we're not being judgmental, but when you have something to say about the way someone lives their life, you're overly critical about it and offer no solution to any of their problems….YOU ARE JUDGING!! If you have to start your statement off with, "I'm not trying to be judgmental or anything but…" you're just trying to convince yourself that what you're about to say is ok. When you find yourself with your back up against the wall, the last thing you want to hear from a friend is, I told you you didn't need those shoes, I told you you shouldn't have gone out that night, I told you… Nor do you need to be telling anyone else that about your friend. Honestly, I know I can make some extremely dumb decisions and I can plainly see the dumb ones my friends make. I think it would be more beneficial if we step in as friends a lot sooner than we do. We participate in our friends' irresponsible decision making and then when it leads to where we both knew it would lead, we start judging. But if you don't participate, you take your stance there. Don't go out with your friend if you know she needs to be putting her money to more important use or just needs to be at home. Don't get high with your friend if you know she is pregnant. That way you don't have to sit in judgment of them once the situation has gotten out of hand. That is something I can not stand. I once had a friend (and I mean ONCE) to call me saying she was concerned that another one of our friends was smoking too much. So I asked, who is she smoking with? Who's buying? Because I know her and she's not smoking by herself and she does not know where to buy it. My friend told me that she and some other folk I know smoke with her. I couldn't understand how you can have a concern like that and keep participating in it. If you think she smokes too much, stop smoking with her! How can you judge some one for doing what you're doing? And if you're going to participate, shut the hell up! But if you are concerned, offer solutions not judgments.
That brings me to another point. I think we judge out of genuine concern. We don't like to see each other is messed up situations and it is so much easier to see the flaws in others. And many things that are "wrong" with our friends are "wrong" in our situations too. We can point the finger at others because it is so much easier than looking in the mirror. But if you're going to be concerned about your friend's situation, come with a solution or shut up! If I can't pay my car note, either give me $400, point me in the direction of $400, help me come up with $400 or keep your mouth closed! I don't wanna hear about the shopping spree I went on, the good time I had last Friday or my new cell phone. LOL. Hell, you were right there with me telling me how cute my outfit was, drinking up the shots I was buying! So why you talking about it now! LOL. (That's just for comedy's sake) We all have to take responsibility for our own poor decision making…but pah-lease, offer solutions, not judgments!
A lot of the things we say about each other are true; yea, I didn't need that purse, yea, I didn't have to buy everybody a shot, yea, I really do need to leave him alone. BUT the same can be said about all of us at some point in our lives.
Right now in life I am being… dare I say it… judgmental of a friend. Yep! I don't like the situation she's in one bit. I have taken the necessary steps I've discussed. Though I did point out that what she was doing was stupid (probably shouldn't have) I offered a solution…move on! When she chose not to listen, I removed myself. I have nothing good to say and anything I say will be judgmental. And at the same time I'm in a crazy place I have no intention of walking away from. I don't want to be judged, well I really don't care, so I don't talk to my friends about it. Is that a good way to handle it? LOL
**Side bar – I was talking to my sister about the previous situation and she brought out a good point. It says a lot that when your friend tells you how what you're doing is making you look and how it is making he/she feel and you still make no changes. One if the reasons we have friends in our lives is keep us grounded. You can tell your friend, "seeing you hurting yourself is hurting me." That's honest and if you don't respect my honesty enough to make a change…I have to.
In conclusion, the line between being helpful and judgmental is very thin. But for clarification's sake…if you're saying it to someone other than the person you are discussing, you are judging. We all do, will always do it; I just wanted to write about it!
***A major advantage of age is learning to accept people without passing judgment. ~~Liz Carpenter***
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