I Need Help!!

I put up with an insane amount of bull. INSANE. To the point that a friend recently asked me how I did it because in her words, “You a better one than me.’ But not really. I’m a crazier one. I think I’m crazy. For real, for real. Someone should maybe study my brain. Something could bother me for years and I never say anything! What’s up with that? Something is bothering me right now and I just can’t bring myself to say a damn thing to the person. Well, I’m not completely in the dark about why. I just had a conversation with my cousin and in it I realized that if I decided to have the conversation with this certain someone I would have to make the changes because I know he won’t change a thing. She said that I should at least express what’s going on in my mind. I say, what’s the use? But in the meantime I continue to put up with the bull. Hell, I invite it on in.
I just recently was able to emotionally separate from someone. And it was so hard. I mean after just a year, I’m shedding tears, thinking about how to f* his shit up… I felt so close to him and I could not fathom what was happening. I had put up with playing 2nd string (3rd and 4th) and I was having a hard time being kicked off the team (that’s crazy, right?) Again, I put up with an insane amount of crap. But what upset me about this situation is that he had the nerve to tell me! I mean he basically told me what I did wrong and how he was able to use me. Of course, he didn’t mean it that way (yeah ok). I was pissed and sooo hurt but I’ve moved on. We’re cool again but I had to be mad for a while. I realized how we as women have to take responsibility for the situations we put ourselves in. I don’t completely blame the men who have hurt me. I place a lot of the blame on myself for letting it happen. I can not say I didn’t see all the warning signs that it would eventually lead up to me being hurt once again. So again, I need someone to analyze me to help me to understand why. Then, I never make clean breaks. Every man that’s ever hurt me (well, it’s not many) is still in my life to some extent. My rationale is that there was something I liked about him that allowed me to develop the feelings I had so what’s wrong with it?
I make some of the most idiotic decisions. But what’s crazy is that for most of my life I have been the advice giver to my friends. Folks have always called me or pulled me to the side to talk about some situation they’re in or problem they’re having. I never understood why. I have not had too much success in the relationship department; mainly because I’m crazy and make idiotic decisions. Granted I am pretty good and helping someone to go in the right direction. Perhaps, I know the way to go but I like to take the hard path so I am able to tell people what not to do. Or perhaps they listen to me and do the opposite. Who knows?

**You have to do your own growing, no matter how tall you grandfather was. ~Irish Saying**