Letter to My Past Self

Dear Akanke,

What's up girl? Go head! You made it! I know it was a hard road, but it's 2009, you're 25 and overall pretty happy. You have some great friends and you've had to let a couple go over the years. I know you were in some situations back then and you wondered if you'd ever see the light at the end of the tunnel.

 

Well, believe it or not, you and "john" have finally completely ended that fiasco. I know I'm shocked too. I know you didn't think you'd ever be able to let him, but you did. He's doing well. I still talk to him from time to time. He's happily married and has a beautiful son. You'd be happy for him. Oh, I forgot his birthday for the fist time in like 7 years! Can you believe it? And yes, I'm cool with "Tina" again. It'll never be the same but it took sometime for me to realize that the anger wasn't worth holding on to. You know you were pretty young and dumb back then.

 

I know the biggest shocker is that you made it to this day without Osakwe's physical presence. I know I'm shocked as well. Believe it not it did get a little bit easier. You know that constant pain in your chest? It goes away. Those tears ever morning stopped. But the "MOMENTS"!…LOL. Whew, I can't say they completely went away because sometimes it does still get hard to breathe. But, they aren't coming as often as before.

 

You finally had to let her go. I know you know who I'm talking about. It got too hard girl. I could no longer justify her presence in my life. Yes, I love her to this day but I just couldn't take it anymore. Maybe once she's done some growing we'll reconnect. I hear she's doing well.

 

Man! Can you believe that after all you went through with "john" I go and do the same thing with someone else? Girl, they reminded me so much of each other I almost called him by "john's" name on a few occasions. I saw all the warning signs, but just like how you were with "john", I thought I loved him and I thought putting up with it all was worth having him in my life. You know how you were; the lil piece of good was worth enduring all the bad…NOT! It ended the same way…baby, wife and all. Go figure. I know you probably thought I wouldn't put myself through that after what you went through but I did, and not just once. I did it one more time but it wasn't nearly as intense. There was no real love, just some emotions and feelings and mine got hurt. That's over now too.

 

So, at this point, I'm working on me. I know you had so many goals that I have not been working on. I'm planning the mentorship program idea you had. It's shaping up though I think it's more work than you thought it would be. LOL. I'm going to stick with it because after we've done to ourselves and allowed others to do, we deserve to be happy. We both have always settled for having a little bit of happiness when it comes to men. But then in the end, the pain and sadness heavily outweighed the happiness. I'm still learning lessons you didn't quite get. I don't like making the same mistakes over and over so I'm working really hard now so that when my next self writes to me, she won't have stories to tell of broken hearts, misplaced love, or wasted time. I'm focusing on finding the happiness somewhere more stable…in me.

Peace girl!